


You are the light behind all the dark

by jiyongsfreckles



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: First Time, M/M, Nyongtory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 08:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16364162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiyongsfreckles/pseuds/jiyongsfreckles





	You are the light behind all the dark

When Jiyong gets a text he doesn't even bother reading it. He throws his phone on the dining table and goes to his room. He doesn't feel too guilty ignoring it because he told everyone he needs some time alone to think.

He lies on his bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling. He's done it; his solo tour is over…is it though? At times like these he can still hear thousands chanting his name and if he closes his eyes he can see those beautiful shiny flowers, forming beautiful flower roads he’ll never get tired of walking. He keeps his eyes open though, fully aware that he is alone... but unlike other times, he isn’t _lonely,_ and that makes him smile as a warm feeling originates in his chest. Slowly, a melody starts forming in his head and it takes him a while before he realizes that it’s a new song taking shape. He starts humming, the same short melody over and over again and then some lyrics follow. He sings quietly in the darkness of his room, almost unaware of what he’s doing as he lets his mind wander.

For whatever reason he thinks back to the past, to when he was a student and Youngbae’s small frame would part a sea of curious bodies to rescue him; then images of that morning  flash through his head, the fans waiting for him as he got out of the plane, reaching hands he could see in his peripheral vision even though he kept his head down and tried to think about his crazy schedule. His mind goes blank for a few blissful seconds and then he sees the smile of a little girl in the dark, she'd come with her mom to a send-off, couldn't be older than five, and she had held her lightstick tightly, smiled sweetly and giggled happily.

A small tranquil smile forms on his lips and he stops humming, but the melody is still playing in his head. Once he has memorized it and feels like it’s become a small part of him he decides to record it on his phone. He is almost done when the doorbell rings and he debates ignoring whoever it is but the person on the other side of the door is persistent. Then his phone starts ringing.

 _Seungri_.

The calm and tranquility Jiyong had been feeling is shattered immediately. A weird tingly sensation forms on his chest and he's not sure if it is excitement or apprehension. Sometimes he hates that Seungri can make him feel this much, this fast. Images of the last time they saw each other flash through his mind. He had cried in Seungri’s arms, he’d been too needy, too clingy…

_“Hyung are you okay?_

_“I am Seungri, when we’re together I am”_

He tries to shake the memories from his mind as he gets the door.

“Hyung!” Seungri greets him with a big smile and hugs him. He smells of peaches, of something familiar, of _home_ , but then again he always does. Jiyong forces himself to not return the hug, he doesn’t think Seungri should be home. Seungri let's go and Jiyong wishes the hug would have lasted longer. 

“You probably didn’t get my text telling you I was in Jeju, so I decided to come directly to your house”

The maknae places a bottle of wine on a nearby table and does a double take when he sees all the spray cans and the tablecloth Jiyong graffitied on earlier.

Jiyong hates that he feels something akin to joy as he looks at Seungri, but it is so good to see him. He is wearing ripped jeans and a green sweater with the design of a spaceship with beams of light shining out of it. His hair is messy and he hasn’t lost the weight he promised he would, but Jiyong likes him like that, because when Jiyong hugs him, Seungri is soft everywhere.

“What’s this, why is your tablecloth like that hyung?”

“I got your text. I ignored it”

“Huh?” the confused puppy look on Seungri’s face is disarming and Jiyong feels like smiling. How long did his pretend annoyance last? Two- three minutes? But he isn't about to let Seungri know.

“I saw your text, well actually I didn’t even bother reading it. I told you guys I’d be in Jeju and that I wanted to be alone”

“But hyung-”

“Seungri, I really need some time alone, away from everything”

And it's true, and Jiyong should feel annoyed that Seungri is there.

Seungri has become too essential to Jiyong, and he needs him in ways Seungri might not be ready to accept. Or maybe in the precise way Seungri wants to be needed. It's all so confusing when it comes to Seungri, but Jiyong likes it like that because sometimes he has moments where everything is clear, and those moments scare him the most.  

Seungri pouts dejectedly and despite the turmoil that always goes on inside of him when he thinks of what he and Seungri could but would never be, Jiyong almost breaks out in a smile.

_Cute. You are too cute._

“Okay, okay, I get it” Seungri says nodding and pretending to be unaffected as he heads to the door. Not even two seconds later though he turns around and suddenly he reminds Jiyong of the loud boy he always turns into during concerts.

“Ah hyung why are you so hot and cold all the time? One second you’re like “Seungri, is the world ending? I wish we were together, you’re never with us, you’re always with your friends”…blah blah blah and the next you’re kicking me out of your house. Just be honest okay, we both know you can’t live without me” Seungri says as he pats Jiyong on the shoulder and keeps nodding his head “yes, yes, okay?”

“What’s this” Jiyong bursts out laughing and covers his face with his hand, dropping at the feet of his maknae in defeat.

~

They are sitting on the floor and they are on their second glass of wine when Jiyong can’t quite take it anymore. He’s been playing with Seungri’s earlobe for a few minutes now and not only has Seungri not slapped his hand away, he even seems to find comfort in the touch.

“Seungri-ah, what’s wrong? Talk to me”

And he does. The future is unknown and Seungri will be left alone as the rest of them enlist. Seungri worries. He feels like he might not be good enough, that he won’t be able to live up to people’s expectations, or worse yet, that some people don't even expect anything from him to begin with. Jiyong knows the feeling all too well. But he wants to shake Seungri and tell him that he's Seungri and everything Seungri does is amazing. He doesn't however, because he has tried that approach with him before and all Seungri does is put on a fake smile and pretend he's okay. So Jiyong just listens, the same way Seungri does when Jiyong needs him.

Sometimes Jiyong wishes Seungri was really how some people see him, someone full of confidence to the point of being cocky, because then Seungri wouldn't have moments of self doubt.

As he tells Jiyong all of his concerns, Jiyong realizes Seungri came not because he thought Jiyong needed someone, but because Seungri needs _him_ , as a leader and as a friend. He does his best in trying to comfort him but he knows it has not been enough when Seungri grows quiet and his expression turns contemplative.

Jiyong hates that look.

He hates the little crease on Seungri's brow because he knows it means Seungri is doubting himself. He hates the lost look on Seungri's eyes because he knows that in the future he won't be there to try and cheer him up. He hates that they will be apart for 2 years and that Seungri will go through hard times without any of them by his side. He hates that Seungri will be alone.

Out of the corner of his eye, Seungri sees Jiyong move. He blinks and suddenly the wine bottle is no longer between them, another blink and their legs are touching, another one and Jiyong is leaning over and their faces are a few inches apart.

Seungri doesn't know what do. His heartbeat  accelerates and he fixes his eyes on the ground, and then on Jiyong’s jeans that are ripped at the knee. He stares at them hard but then Jiyong's hand comes in his line of view. The smiley tattoo is staring back at Seungri and for whatever reason it feels intimate, so Seungri looks up. As soon as he does, Jiyong starts tilting his head and his eyes grow darker and heavy. That look...that look can only mean one thing and there is no way Jiyong is looking at Seungri like that right?

They look at each other for a  while and then Jiyong casts his eyes downwards, his long eyelashes a soft contrast against the paleness of his skin. Seungri uses the moment to look at Jiyong because Jiyong’s face is so close and so pretty. Seungri likes pretty. But a lot of people are pretty and Seungri doesn't like them. Seungri likes Jiyong. And then Jiyong is looking up at him again and Seungri's mind is filled with the colour brown. The colour of leaves in autumn. The colour of Jiyong’s hair right now too. The colour of warmth when you're feeling cold. His favorite colour to look at because it means he's looking at Jiyong’s eyes. Seungri has looked at them so many times that sometimes when he closes his eyes Jiyong's eyes are all he sees, looking at him amused, with adoration. Looking at him with lust now.

Seungri flushes with pleasure under Jiyong's appreciative gaze and the feeling expands to his entire body. Seungri, just like anyone else, likes to feel attractive, wanted and he's used to being on the receiving end of lustful gazes of fans, but he never acts on them. To most of those people he is a fantasy, simply because they don't know the real him, not entirely. But when it's Jiyong who looks at him like that, Jiyong who knows everything there is to know about him, Jiyong who makes his heart confused and his body burn alive, when it's Jiyong who looks at him like that, he wants to act on it.

But he shouldn't. So he avoids Jiyong’s gaze and focuses on the mole on Jiyong's right cheek. The wisest option would be to focus on anything _other_ than Jiyong, but Seungri has learned throughout the years that when he's in a room together with Jiyong, Jiyong is all he wants to see.

Neither of them move and Seungri starts to feel dizzy. He opens his mouth to let more air in because he feels like he's underwater. It’s a big mistake. Jiyong’s eyes immediately focus on Seungri’s parted lips and Seungri’s eyes do the same with Jiyong's mouth. His lips are so... beautiful. Have they always been this alluring?

On the back of his mind Seungri feels like the current situation is somehow familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Jiyong has looked at him like this before, their faces have been this close before… but they had always been surrounded by thousands of people who cheered loudly for them. This time they are alone. And this time Seungri doesn’t want to pull back. But he can't bring himself to make a move either. He half expects and wishes to feel Jiyong’s hand on the back of his neck pulling him closer so the decision will be made for him.

“Hyung” he says and he sounds weak and he hates it and wants to try again but suddenly Jiyong’s mouth has opened and he is leaning closer.

He stops when their faces are almost touching and Seungri is being burned by the heat emanating from Jiyong's skin. And then Jiyong cups his cheek and his hand is even hotter and Seungri is melting as he leans into Jiyong's palm.

Hot, too hot, skin too tight.

For a fraction of a second, their lips brush. Both of their mouths are half opened and their breaths mingle and Seungri’s senses are invaded by the smell of wine. His lips tremble, and it's taking everything he has not to move. But then Jiyong pulls back and he exhales and this time Jiyong's sweet scent invades Seungri's senses and he likes this more than when it was the wine. Jiyong moves further back and looks at him in a way that makes Seungri think of sex, sweat, thrusting bodies and sweet release.

“Seungri...now that you’re here, what do you suggest we do?” Jiyong asks but it doesn't sound like Jiyong's voice because Jiyong has never used that tone with Seungri before. And then Jiyong's gaze focuses behind Seungri, in the direction of...of Jiyong’s room.

Synapses start firing in Seungri’s brain and he starts blinking incredibly fast. Then he does the worst thing he could have done. A nervous giggle escapes him. It catches Jiyong off guard and he pulls all the way back, blinking in confusion. 

Jiyong shakes his head once and lets out a little laugh but Seungri is sure Jiyong is not amused. He even looks a bit annoyed. They maknae is about to say something but Jiyong gets up in one swift motion.

“I think I should get drunk” the leader says

~

Somehow it’s Seungri that ends up finishing the whole bottle by himself.

Jiyong’s intention had been to take Seungri’s mind off the thoughts that had been bothering him, but he lost himself in the moment and went too far. Now Seungri is half-drunk. And dancing, if you could call it that. Jiyong is trying his best to ignore the maknae as he paints his nails.

“Hyung, hyung! Do me, do me!”

 _Oh believe me I would_ love _to._

“What?”

“Paint me, my nails”

Jiyong blinks at him, an idea forming in his head.

“Come on hyung, paint my nails, then I’ll be like you” Seungri giggles and then starts singing “nado eodiseon ggullijin anheo”, the heartbreaker choreography follows and in just a few seconds Seungri has forgotten all about his nails.

He is halfway done with his rendition of crayon when Jiyong goes to get his art supplies. When he gets back, Seungri is filling another glass of wine.

“Hyung!! There you are, here, drink this, let’s toast to me!”

“Seungri I’m going to paint you”

Seungri stops dead in his tracks and looks at Jiyong with a confused expression on his face. But then he smiles.

“Naked?” Seungri asks and he seems to like the idea if the impish smile on his face is any indication. He starts making silly poses, without removing any article of clothing luckily, and Jiyong drops to the floor half annoyed and half amused at the ridiculousness of what the maknae is doing.

He remains crouched down on the floor for a few minutes, pointing to Seungri, covering his face and laughing through his nose, letting out a few snorts here and there.

“Ah Lee Seunghyun, really!” Jiyong shouts as he finally stands up and grabs Seungri by the hand and makes the maknae sit in front of him.

“Don’t move” he tells him sternly

“Woah hyung, you look scary right now. It reminds me of our pre-debuts days when you hated my guts” he lets out a giggle “Oh that reminds me! Don't you think we should maybe rewatch princess hours together, you know, as a sort of anniversary or something-”

Jiyong tunes him out as Seungri continues to babble. He looks at the white canvas in front of him and back at Seungri and he immediately knows what he will paint. He starts adding splashes of color to the canvas with a brush.

Seungri can’t stay put of course and he comes to Jiyong’s side to see what he is doing.

“Woah hyung! That’s beautiful” he says and then begins making completely unnecessary sound effects with his mouth but quickly grows bored. Jiyong is too immersed in the task at hand now and he pays little attention to what Seungri is doing.

A little while later Seungri's voice brings Jiyong back to reality.

“Darling what do you- What do you meaaaan one bed and two beds what do you mean-aaaaaah ” Seungri sings

He is either filming himself or video calling someone. Hell, for all Jiyong knows he could be doing an insta live. The thought makes Jiyong snicker, as he wonders if Seungri is going to be called to the 7th floor when all those videos end up on the internet.

When Jiyong is done, Seungri comes back to Jiyong’s side and lets out an exaggerated gasp.

“Hyuuung what happened?? Why are you covering it all in BLACK??”

“The colors are still there Seungri, it's just harder to see them”

Seungri leans closer to the painting, squinting.

“It's impossible to see them hyung... why did you do that, all the colors looked beautiful before but now you ruined it”

Jiyong looks at Seungri, at his maknae, the man he loves and the man he needs to protect the most. Seungri with the purest soul. His expression softens and he lets all the love he feels show in his eyes.

“This is you Seungri. You are the colors inside of all that darkness. Always look at what’s inside of you.”

Seungri stares at the painting and then for a few seconds his gaze becomes unfocused and he looks incredibly touched and almost as if he is about to cry… but then he bursts out laughing.

“See if I ever paint anything for you ever again” Jiyong finally mutters as he feels warmth spread across his cheeks.

But as Seungri continues laughing, his anger diminishes. Seungri is drunk after all, what did he expect really?

He sighs and stands up to stretch his arms above his head and bend to the sides. He notices Seungri's laughter has stopped and the maknae is standing in front of him, leering at him.

“Hyung” Seungri sighs “we should go to bed. I’m sleepy” he breathes out, eyes still fixed on Jiyong.

He continues to look at him and then licks his lips. And that's all it takes, just one look from Seungri and Jiyong’s body is ready to go, blood rushing south.

At times like these it seems like Seungri and Jiyong want the same thing and it scares Jiyong. But sometimes it excites him more.

He shortens the distance between them in a few strides and puts his hands on Seungri’s waist. The maknae puts his hands on Jiyong's arms and… kisses him.

He brings their mouths together and parts Jiyong's lips with his tongue. Jiyong can’t quite comprehend what is happening but his body is faster than his mind and he responds immediately. His tongue meets Seungri's, each stroke making more and more blood rush to that one place. He is enveloped by Seungri's scent and his warmth and he is burning.

_Fuck._

Seungri is a great kisser and all Jiyong can do is feel. Feel the softness and firmness of his lips as they bring unimaginable pleasure to his world. His world that is reduced to flames and wet sounds mixed with moans. His world becomes Seungri who is running his nails down Jiyong’s back, making Jiyong break the kiss and gasp as he shivers in pleasure. Seungri smirks at him and the playful look on his face and his lustful eyes would be enough to bring Jiyong to his knees. But then Seungri is kissing him again and Jiyong can’t breathe and all he can think about is release.

The same way he craves that moment during concerts where he becomes one with the music, where he is no longer himself, when he loses himself and can only feel his accelerated heartbeat and hear his labored breaths, he now craves release. But this is different, because this is Seungri, Seungri who makes him feel the way music does, but with a dose of delirious arousal.

And then Seungri is grabbing Jiyong's hips and pressing himself against him. Almost as in slow motion, Seungri starts lazily thrusting his hips against Jiyong’s and then he frees his mouth to rest his head against Jiyong's shoulder. He closes his eyes tightly and all trace of smugness is gone and a look of pure pleasure forms on his face.

“Hyung, ah hyung” he moans as he keeps thrusting and Jiyong has never been more turned on in his life.

_Seungri. His Seungri. Pleasure. Release._

But then amid the heady sensations he is experiencing, he somehow manages to register the sweet taste of wine in his mouth and it reminds him that Seungri is tipsy, maybe even drunk.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

They shouldn't be doing this. Not like this.

“Seungri”

He moans in response. And then he moves his hips in a way that is too sensual, too sinful.

“Seungri you're drunk” he says in a breathy voice.

“I'm not" and Seungri's voice sounds deep and hoarse and Jiyong wants to give him a song and have Seungri record it right then because that voice is sex personified.

Seungri bites Jiyong's shoulder and moans out another "hyung" and Jiyong almost loses it. They have to stop.

It takes all the willpower Jiyong has to put a few inches of distance between them.

“Hyung for the love of God don't make us stop” Seungri practically begs and his cheeks are flushed and his hair disheveled and he's clearly turned on. He looks fucking beautiful and ready to be thoroughly fucked. 

Jiyong closes his eyes and curses in his head.

Even if he's not too tipsy Jiyong would rather Seungri didn't have a single drop of alcohol in him. This can’t happen, not like this. He opens his eyes and looks Seungri dead in his eyes.

The look on Jiyong's face must be pretty clear because Seungri sighs in defeat. He gives Jiyong an annoyed look and throws himself face down on the table behind him, knocking what was left of the wine in the process. The liquid spreads across the tablecloth Jiyong graffitied on earlier.

Jiyong crouches down on the floor and looks down at the ground, panting and hating himself.

“I'm sorry” he says but Seungri doesn't respond.

He thinks maybe Seungri has fallen asleep, but a while later the maknae breaks the silence.

“Are you saying no just because you think I'm drunk?” his voice is small and vulnerable and it kills Jiyong that Seungri might feel hurt.

He doesn't know what to say because it's a complex situation and so much depends on it. But he chooses to answer honestly.

“If you weren't drunk right now I wouldn't have stopped” _I would have fucked you right there on that table_ “But then again if you weren't drunk you wouldn't have returned the kiss”

Seungri is quiet for a few minutes.

“I might be a bit a bit tipsy but I knew exactly what I was doing. But you won't believe me so I'll just prove it to you once I'm awake”

And even if he feels like he shouldn't, Jiyong lets himself hope. Neither of them speak and this time Jiyong is sure Seungri has fallen asleep.

Once Jiyong is sure he won’t jump Seungri if he gets up, he fetches his phone. He can't resist the urge to take a few pictures of Seungri passed out on his dining table because despite everything that happened tonight, the sight of his maknae sleeping there makes him smile. He tries to wake him to get him to a bed but Seungri just rolls around to lie on his back. Jiyong chuckles and takes a few more pics, adding them to the other thousands of embarrassing pictures he has of Seungri on his phone.

~

Jiyong is half asleep when he feels someone get in bed with him.

“Hyung, you really left me there, sleeping on that table. I would have woken up tomorrow with a sore neck”

“Seungri” Jiyong says in a warning tone

“Relax, I'm not here to pop your cherry, I just want to sleep”

“There's a bed in another room”

“Shhh, please I'm tired” he yawns and burrows closer to Jiyong.

Jiyong is enveloped by the scent of peaches and he feels warm and everything around him is soft because Seungri is the only thing he sees and feels. They have slept on the same bed before so it's no big deal, Jiyong tells himself as he hugs the maknae in his arms.

Yes, Jiyong didn't feel lonely when he was alone before, but now, now he feels _happy_.


End file.
